More time in the Gerbil Spinny Wheel Thing

So this morning I had the opportunity to ponder myself as an artist and my upcoming decisions about what work to make next, and I began to wonder how I ended up deciding to be an artist in the first place. This is relevant for my work, because often when I am able to understand my identity or my voice I gain a sense of direction that leads to a great increase in momentum. Anyway, I was musing back on how I got here, and of course I was a kid who drew a lot, but not out of a desire to escape or doodle, more from a desire to please others, get attention, and tell stories. I was an okay drawer/painter then, and I am an okay drawer/painter now. But it is not drawing or painting or the process therein that excites me, rather it is making something happen. So, in my recollections that I thought about how is it that as a mediocre drawer/painter I decided to pursue (at least in the beginning) the goal of becoming an artist which I understood to be a drawer/painter. (my concept has since changed, but only recently) My undergraduate path took a number of different twists that began at the university of georgia. When I started there I did ask about art classes and my advisor said "you have to be an art major to take classes, or get on a two year waiting list, and you have to submit a portfolio to be an art major." At that time I was romantically in love with academia, thought I wanted to be and English professor, and although I had taken both the art classes at my highschool I certainly did not have a portfolio. Then a couple of years later I transfered to Birmingham-Southern College and was able to take art classes. However, I was 2 1/2 years into my English degree, I had transfered twice and if I changed my major I would go from the 5 year track I was on to the 6 year track. I asked my advisor about doing a double major and he said "why?" The answer I gave him is the reason (I realized in the shower this morning) I have ended up her at PSU for an MFA. I love the way art classes engage the problem solving aspects of my mind. I love the creative open ended approach to problems. Specifically this morning, I recalled the last assignment for 3-d design: turn a piece of furniture into an animal and write a story about said animal. I found this huge ridiculus 1980's lamp that was on wheels. It had 5 bent poles with massive light bulbs attached that came out of the base and reached out into the middle of a room. I spent hours painting the poles zebra striped and painting huge eyes on the lightbulbs, adding eyelashes and creating a miniture version that fit snuggly into the base or "pouch" of the lamp. This act of being presented with a creative problem and then allowed nearly any method for solving that problem was what I loved. It is still what I love. This thought process brought me back to creating systems for my things that aren't systematic. Namely life, humans, humanity. Judgement Matrix and the perfect timeline come from a personal awareness that I am constantly trying to create graphs, hierarchies, equations, and other systematic levels of understanding for events or realities that exist outside of this type of conceptualization. I have hoped that literally creating these objects would release me from my futile attempts to organize with inadequate tools.